i've been blessed

I know that I've been blessed. These past few years have been extremely difficult, however I've been given tender mercies along the way. 
Side note: I realized something today, it's my new mantra, "If you don't do it, it's not getting done." Lets just say I've been motivated lately and that I've got some ideas. 
Happy New Year!
I'll make a post about my precious niece and Christmas. 

Let it Go

Seesters

So two epic movies have come out recently, and they make me grateful for my sisters. 
Lets talk about Hunger Games… it was fan-freaking-tastic. I loved every minute of Catching Fire. 
But I love the relationship that Katniss has with her sister Prim most.  It reminds me of my relationship with BB. Being a few years older than Beth Anne, without a doubt I would have volunteered as tribute for her. I am just so grateful that BB is my sister, I don't know what I would do without her. God did good bringing us together, because I couldn't have gone through the past few years with out her by my side. 

I am really lucky because I am the middle sister. So I know what it is like to be the older sister and the younger sister. The best of both worlds being  the protector and being looked after. 

Frozen was the cutest movie I have seen in awhile. A total sister movie and I was a total sap about it, I cried twice. In this movie I can relate to Anna, the younger sister. I feel like I'm kinda awkward and goofy like her. And Becky reminded me of Elsa. I remember Becky locking her door when all I wanted to do was play with her, like older sisters do. But the love that Anna and Elsa had for each other, saved each other. Just like I know Bec would do anything for me like I would do anything for her.Basically, I am the luckiest girl ever to have these two beauties as my seesters. Love you Becky and Beth Anne, more than you will ever know. 

A five month update.

I don't know where I have been the last five months, but it's hasn't been on my blog.
Actually I do know where I've been. I have been deep in books for graduate school and in my spare time I've gone on a few adventures.
1. Disneyland.
I was lucky, extremely lucky, because I won 4 Disneyland tickets off the radio. I didn't do it for me and I think that is why I was blessed to win them. My dear friend Shalai, left on a mission, but before she did we wanted to have a going away vacation. A last bonding hurrah! But Shalai's sister was getting married the weekend she was leaving and she needed to save for her mission, so without winning them she would not have been able to go. So I decided, I would win them for her. Upon hundreds of phone calls to the station and hours of listening to the radio for key words and the time to call in, I won by texting in Goofy. I got the phone call right before a group stats exam. Lets just say I was not very much help to my group.
2. Actually at Disneyland
When we actually got there, I had the time of my life.  Memories that I will never forget. From getting kicked out of the Ariel ride. Who gets kicked out of Ariel? Well, Shalai found out that you are not allowed to kiss a "cast members" hand.  We also ran into the actress that plays Alison DiLaurentis in Pretty Little Liars. Which just so happens to be my favorite tv show. Basically, it made my life. Sasha Pierterse was extremely kind to us and equally beautiful. Basically, we were extremely blessed and I am very grateful for that experience.
3. Sending off of Sister Shalai.
Not going to lie, it is hard to send of a friend on a mission. I have done it quite a few times now. But it was really really hard sending off Shalai. A piece of my heart is now in Virginia.
4. Grad School.
Grad school is harder than I thought it would be. It has not only been academically challenging but emotionally too.  I thought that I had faced my greatest fears, but it seems that I was challenged again. I guess I still have much to learn and still need to grow. But, I'm bucking up and can't allow gossip about me to bring me down, especially when I have come so far. Even after some great pep talks from good friends and family, it doesn't help the negative feeling of being talk about. Only I have power over myself and my thoughts. So I can't let the thoughts of others, which I can't control, affect me. All I can do is keep going and so I will try.
5. Family.
I am so happy that my Uncle Jason and Aunt Laura and their babies moved back from New Zealand. They bring so much love and joy to everyone around them. We got to spend Halloween and Thanksgiving with them. I could burst, trying to explain how much I love those little ones. Each has their own unique personality and are so sweet.
Beth Anne and I took the two older girls to see Frozen today. A movie about sisters and their love. It made me cry twice… I am such a boob. But I loved that sweet Emily, made me a best friend necklace t. I am just so very grateful to have these beautiful babies back in my life and watch them grow into just wonderful girls.

I have so much to be grateful for and I am. "It is not the happy people who are thankful, but thankful people who are happy." And I am happy because I am grateful. 

Minions.

I have fallen in love with minions. It is sad and funny that my closest doppleganger is a purple minion. My hair can get a little wild, but that's ok.

Minion Run is my new FAVORITE APP! You get to ride the Fluffy Unicorn in the sky sometimes, and collect the bananas. It's great fun.

And last night, my Dad fell asleep on the couch and I was inspired to sing the Minion Lullaby. BB said, "I bet you think you're so clever, don't you?" I do. It was clever. The song is funny. 

So great is my love for minions I think I want to be one for Halloween. I'm pretty sure it would be fairly easy to make a hat and find some overall's and a yellow shirt. It's an excellent plan. 

ROAR!

My new MANTRA! Playing on repeat. You're gonna hear me ROARRRRRR!

Here's the deal

So there are so many things that I should be doing right now. But  I can't, because this is on my mind. I was placed in a position today where I felt inferior. It honestly made me feel so bad about myself that I was on the brink of tears. The old me, would have listened to the negative self talk and blame myself for certain things, and it probably would have made me self-harm. But I don't believe that voice anymore.
Here's the deal.
I like you and I'm not your first choice.
You are stupid and here is why.
I'm not sorry that I'm imperfect. (double negative kind of) Nonetheless, I know my body isn't perfect. I know physically I'm not a super model. But I'm getting healthy and strong, and I'm proud of that.
I'm not sorry that I'm too trusting. I see the good in people first, even if it the only shred of good they have left in every fiber of their being. I see that, and I like that.
I'm not sorry that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am an open book. I can't hide my feelings. I don't want to. I don't like playing games. I am honest, and I like that.
I'm not sorry that I'm too kind. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I genuinely care more about others than I do myself sometimes, and I like that. I think that is possibly the only Christ like attribute I have.
I'm not sorry that I giggle too much. I giggle and can get crazy and even really weird, and I like that.
I'm not sorry for the way that I dress. I think I have great style. I like how I dress and that's all that matters.
I'm not sorry that I come from the family I do. Sometimes it sucks and sucks isn't the right word for how crappy it is. But I'm a hell of a lot stronger person today than I would have been, if I hadn't gone through what I've gone through.
Also, I'm not sorry that I may have a little baggage. Guess what? I'm dealing with my issues. I'm getting over my problems now, so I don't have a midlife crisis one day like she will. All the counseling I have had and all the hard time I've gone through makes me get it. Get it in a way that people who have never had the short end of the stick could understand. It makes me more compassionate and empathetic, and I LOVE that.
Basically, I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the reason that I'm not your first choice.
Here's the deal.
I think I'm pretty.
I think I'm smart.
I think I'm kind.
I think I'm talented.
I think I'm awesome.
I think I'm a damn good friend.
And honestly, anyone would be lucky to have me in their family.
I think I'm a CATCH!
You are blind and missing out brother.  I'm letting go of all the feelings, good and bad. It's no longer my problem.

Sing to me till I fall asleep.

Summer is ending. Change is coming and coming fast. Change is hard. I'm comfortable. I've been comfortable in my routine. That routine is about to become incredibly difficult with long hours, and I'm not ready.

I would consider my life to be a roller coaster, but this last week was definitely a roller coaster week. I just came from a high of the best vacations to being blind sided and that is extremely frustrating. I've come to realize that it takes me awhile to shake negative emotions. Maybe that's the aftermath of depression or depression that has still yet to completely escape my body. In the unfairness of the events that created a minor dip in my roller coaster life, this might maybe may have been a blessing in disguise. Because now I have more time.

Time that I should be using to be dive into my prep courses and homework for the upcoming crazy year of school. Well when I jump into this load of work, I can't even make a dent into it. I've enjoyed my laziness and lack of homework for the last 8 months. It scares me that I can't concentrate. I don't want to be unprepared for what lies ahead and become extremely frustrated because I can't get the material right away and then fall light years behind on everything, simply because I didn't know the basics.  

I worry. I'm a worrier because I think too much and over analyze everything. To distract me from my internal dialogue of being completely overwhelmed, scared to death, and worrisome; I listen to this. 

Jayme Dee is my second favorite artist. I love this song. Makes me feel nostalgic. Which in this case is better than worried. 

 

it's been awhile.

It has been awhile since I've blogged and I should post pictures of the awesome weddings that I've attended this summer. Maybe I still will, but right now I want to document my feelings and my growth. 
First of all, I want to say I'm happy. I'm happy for no reason at all. And that right there, is something I never thought I would ever be again. I think it's because I've been working hard on changing some of my inner dialogues. One of which has always been 'skinny is love' or 'I am/ will only be loved when I'm skinny.' Both of which are obviously lies. But a belief that I have undeniably and unfortunately been smitten by. 
As I look at the events of my life, I realize the lie in that statement and how there has never been any truth to it. I also see the damage that statement has caused me. 
When I think about my future and my hopes and dreams, a big one and the mormon cultural pressure is marriage. I want to be married one day, but as the last of my roommates that pressure you see has influenced my thinking in many ways. I know that my life is not defined by a man's validation of me, however I think that subconsciously maybe I have thought that my life really didn't start until I was married. 
Being 24 years young I must admit that I am not a relationship expert, so everything about my beliefs of being skinny and relationships didn't ever work out and for good reason. Honestly, I don't want to send off the message of body perfection (which I will never attain). I don't want to be loved because I'm skinny. I don't want to attract that kind of man. That kind of man will always be that kind of man and one day after a few kids when my body continues to become more womanly, I don't want my husband still lusting after another skinny, that is no longer me. I want my future husband to adore me. I don't want my figure to be the primary reason for that adoration. 
Right now I feel strong. Maybe I feel this way because I've been working really hard at Pure Barre, but I do… I feel strong. I am grateful that I have a healthy body. I am grateful that my body is strong and athletic. I think my body naturally likes to move and be active, and I am happy that I am doing that again on a regular basis (not for the reasons to be skinny, but to feel good). I guess I am happy because I feel good. I approve of myself. I think I'm beginning to even love myself, not in a conceited way but a self-appreciative-approving way. I'm stopping the self-hate. It feels like I have taken a weight off of my shoulders that I have been burdening myself with carrying for too many years. 
This is kind of a big deal for me and I wanted to shout it on the roof tops, or the internet world. The ring is just as loud and it feels really good.  

Dear Moms...

Beth Anne's 19th Birthday

So three days ago, my baby sister turned 19. It is crazy to think because I feel like it was just yesterday that she was born.

BB and I have had our moments, but she is my best friend.

I can say for a fact that there is a reason she is my sister, it was divine intervention long ago because I couldn't have gotten through these past couple of years with out her. It felt like Beth Anne was the only constant in my life. She has my back no matter what. There is no one I love more in this world. Becky and I are the luckiest people to have BB as our sister. 

April 16th, 1994 was the best day of my life because that is when the most beautiful, humorous, talented, sweet, loving, amazing, awesome, fun, dramatic, outspoken, stylish, gorgeous girl came into my life. 

I <3 BB

                               Seriously Beth Anne was the cutest kid ever! 

Even when she was awkward she was cute; but look at her now she is so beautiful!

 To celebrate sweet BB, she wanted to go to Costa Vida. So that is where we went. It was absolutely delicious. After a lovely meal, we went back to the house and had some Nothing Bundt Cake (aka the best cake ever) with some ice cream and watched the season premiere of Awkward (a show that BB would be perfect on, and one day she will be). Best show ever, best cake ever, best people ever, best birthday ever. I hope. I love to spoil her rotten. 

I <3 BB!  The cute BB in the blouse and shoes I gave her with the ever so lovely Shalai. My two favorite girls!

Easter

Happy Easter! 

And Happy Birthday Grandma! I sure do love you!
Let me back up before I talk about my Easter adventure, I'm going to recap last night.
Last night Coop, Taylor, and I went to the store and got things to make a delicious fajita dinner. Basically this feast was bomb. Then I made the executive decision to watch Hook. It had been years since I have seen that movie. I was surprised at how funny and what great morals that movie had. The message of family and knowing who you are is powerful. I also think that as a little kid the jokes went way over my head, well I got em' this time! 
Now to the main event… EASTER! Coop made the greatest waffles ever. We had some homemade kneaders syrup and I put peanut butter and bananas on the waffle with that divine syrup. Best breakfast ever! 
I got to experience a BYU YSA ward again. At least it was in a chapel and not on campus in a classroom or worse the testing center (which I actually had for a semester). Church rocked today, focusing on Christ and the Atonement. It is easy to get caught up in the commercialism of the holiday, which takes the focus off of Christ. But I am grateful for Christ and his life and that He atoned for my sins and that He was lives that I may too live again. 
After church I got to caught up with my dear friend Tessa. We roomed together back in the Elms. Good ol' Elms. Worst apartment I have ever lived in, but made some of my favorite memories there. So it had been quite awhile since I have seen her. I heard all about her adventures in Canada and what she has been doing since 08' or 09' or however long ago it was. I even learned about her childhood, which I was surprised I didn't know very much about. 
The very best part of the day was visiting Isaac and Carlene! I consider Big I to be one of my dearest friends. I have missed his sense of humor and his wits. I was so happy to get to spend more time with Carlene, too. I felt like she opened up to me and this is the first time that I really got to spend quality time with her. Big I and Carlene are so cute together and I can't wait to see them get married in July. Carlene slipped me a peak of her wedding dress, which is stunning! Absolutely stunning! She is going to be a gorgeous bride. I am so happy for them! I was so happy to get to spend time with such good friends. I wish I could hang out with them more often. 
So as we were cooking a tasty Easter dinner and catching up on the latest news of each others lives, we dyed Easter eggs. Not going to lie, I haven't done that since I was a kiddo. It was fun and Carlene is super artistic so she made some sweet designs. (And the picture I took doesn't give Carlene any justice to her eggs). 

All in all, I feel so very blessed on this Easter Sunday to have spent it with such great friends and remember the life, death, and resurrection of the Savior. 

Coop's Bridal Shower

The time has finally come! The bridal shower was a success! 
The food was delicious. We had cinnamon rolls that was like heaven in your mouth. We also had strawberries and dip, a caprese salad, and cake pops. Basically it was delicious in every bite. 

We played a fun game where we asked Taylor about their relationship and we had recorded the answers. For every answer Katie got right, us girls had to put a piece of duble buble in our mouths. For every wrong answers Katie put a piece in her mouth. I gave up at 5 pieces but it was 13 to 7. 

Afterwards Katie opened presents and we wrote advice for her on cards. I am putting all these pictures and notes in a photo book so Katie can remember it all. 

Now we are watching Les Mis. This movie is beautiful and gets

me every time. Tonight we are either going to the men's volleyball game or a comedy show. All I know is that I need to eat some protein and vegetables for dinner because of all the cinnamon rolls and cake pops I have consumed earlier today. 

I am excited for Easter tomorrow! 

Reunited.

I've had two fun filled weekends in a row. Last weekend I got to watch my old roommate and dear friend Kristin play lacrosse. My sweet sister, joined me on the trek down to Tucson (aka the arm pit of arizona) to watch the game at U of A. All I can say is that Kris is amazing! She scored like 4 points in a row. This girl was on FIRE! I yelled at least 50 times that " I KNOW HER! and GO KRISTIN!" I was so proud to claim her. BYU beat U of A 17- 7. 

This weekend, I am back in Provo, Utah throwing my best friend Katie Cooper a bridal shower. It has been kind of tough being a state away but I have had help from her current roommate. Which has been such a blessing. 

So I arrived last night and was picked up from the airport by the sweet couple. They are so cute together. Taylor is so good to Coop. They seriously are just the cutest. So we ate at my favorite place like ever which is Costa Vida. And dear kind generous Taylor bought me dinner (that stinker beat me too it, because I wanted to pay for them) but it's ok, I'll take a free din din. Afterwards we chilled at Taylor's gorgeous home and watched some basketball for a short time before Coop and I drove back to Provo together. 

Dear Provo, 

You look the same but you've changed. I drive by a store, restaurant, park, anything and it will flash a memory. And a sharp pain of joy will push it's way to my mind and bring a bitter sweet taste of how much things have changed. Well not all the memories were joyful ones. But most are. Mainly, I'm glad that I don't live here anymore. As much as I miss it, I don't and I am glad I'm making new memories somewhere else. Really Provo, it not you it's me. I just don't like YOU anymore.

Sincerely,

Rach

But on a serious note, there are parts of sweet Provo I missed. In fact, Coop and I went running this morning. I passed by the house I lived in for the stressful months that I was kicked out of my apartment. (Like I said not all joyful) and all of the sudden Provo welcomed me back the only way my clumsy legs know how. With a trip and a fall. The cement got on hands, elbow, and shin real good. Coop didn't laugh at me, bless her soul. She tried making me laugh by saying, "Provo just wanted a hug. " haha. Pretty sure the warm welcome was an affirmation that Provo didn't like me as much as I didn't like the new it. haha.

On the plus side, my favorite boutique Cherry Hill Lane (right across from the Provo Library and literally right next door to Coop's awesome apartment) has expanded and gained so many clothes. Before it was merely jewelry and purses, now it is endless dresses. Made me so happy. I will have to go back and try on some dresses and get BB a birthday present. 

Later on today, Coop and her roommate Caitlin and I went to a friend's house to get some decorations for the shower tomorrow. YEEE! Pictures to come tomorrow, but I believe the decorations came together very nicely. I brought picture frames and a few things from home and we got the rest from Madison Call. She was so kind to lend everything to us! 

The rest of the evening we hung out at the Shops at the Riverwoods and enjoyed the beautiful weather. Those shops have become a great place to hang out. It is beautiful with dangling lights and music. Needless to say, some parts of Provo have improved. Then we saw the Host, the movie by Stephanie Meyers. It wasn't that great. I think it was because the acting was kind of bad. I remember the book being so much better, but know that I think about it, I don't remember very much of the book. hahaha. 

But I am happy to be here and I am happy to throw this shower tomorrow and celebrate Coop and Taylor and their weddingness. Weddings are so great but so much work. Here's to tomorrow and to sweet reunions!

Confidence

Source: beautifuldreams.blog.pt via Rachel on Pinterest

“Confidence is the only key. I know a lot of people who aren’t traditionally ‘beautiful’ — not symmetrical or perfect-bodied or perfect-skinned. But none of that matters because all that shines through is their confidence, humor and comfort with themselves. I can’t think of any better representation of beauty than someone who is unafraid to be herself." ~Emma Stone

MIssouri Round 2

My sweet niece in her blessing dress. She is so pretty. 

This trip was interesting because the entire fam bam came along. There were times of too much togetherness but there wasn't any major blow ups, so I would say this trip was a success. 

It was really cold, it snowed and rained almost every day. But we got out and went and saw the Oz movie which was great and ate a few times at the knock of Black Angus called Colton's. 

It was good seeing my sweet girl and my sister and bro in law. But I am happy to be home again with my puppy, who has bronchitis. She went to the vet today. She is so brave but doesn't like the vet. Good thing I love my puppy because that vet visit was expensive. 

Roller Coaster Day.

It has been a crazy day. The morning started out kind of blue, but quickly turned around when I got a phone call from a random number. The man on the line gave me excellent news… I have been admitted to the master's in management program at ASU! Yay!
I was also admitted to NAU. I haven't heard from Utah State, but we will see. It is a great dilemma to have choices, but I have no idea what I'm going to do now!!!
YEEEEE!!!

I just love Taylor Swift

I don't know about you… but I'm feeling 22. Well 24. But that's ok. 

Baby Kate

This has been an exciting week. 
I turned 24 on Feb. 10th.
Feb 11th I got on a plane and headed to Kirksville, MO. To meet my beautiful baby niece Katherine Yvonne Holdaway. Sure enough, sweet baby Kate was named after me! Katherine is my middle name. 
I fell in love with her little toes and little ears. She is just so tiny, sweet, and perfect! She never cries. She is just my little love bug and Valentine! I just adore her and can't wait to see her grow into the beautiful girl I know she is. 

My favorite picture of Kate from today's photo shoot.

My first time holding sweet baby Kate!