It has been awhile since I've blogged and I should post pictures of the awesome weddings that I've attended this summer. Maybe I still will, but right now I want to document my feelings and my growth.
First of all, I want to say I'm happy. I'm happy for no reason at all. And that right there, is something I never thought I would ever be again. I think it's because I've been working hard on changing some of my inner dialogues. One of which has always been 'skinny is love' or 'I am/ will only be loved when I'm skinny.' Both of which are obviously lies. But a belief that I have undeniably and unfortunately been smitten by.
As I look at the events of my life, I realize the lie in that statement and how there has never been any truth to it. I also see the damage that statement has caused me.
When I think about my future and my hopes and dreams, a big one and the mormon cultural pressure is marriage. I want to be married one day, but as the last of my roommates that pressure you see has influenced my thinking in many ways. I know that my life is not defined by a man's validation of me, however I think that subconsciously maybe I have thought that my life really didn't start until I was married.
Being 24 years young I must admit that I am not a relationship expert, so everything about my beliefs of being skinny and relationships didn't ever work out and for good reason. Honestly, I don't want to send off the message of body perfection (which I will never attain). I don't want to be loved because I'm skinny. I don't want to attract that kind of man. That kind of man will always be that kind of man and one day after a few kids when my body continues to become more womanly, I don't want my husband still lusting after another skinny, that is no longer me. I want my future husband to adore me. I don't want my figure to be the primary reason for that adoration.
Right now I feel strong. Maybe I feel this way because I've been working really hard at Pure Barre, but I do… I feel strong. I am grateful that I have a healthy body. I am grateful that my body is strong and athletic. I think my body naturally likes to move and be active, and I am happy that I am doing that again on a regular basis (not for the reasons to be skinny, but to feel good). I guess I am happy because I feel good. I approve of myself. I think I'm beginning to even love myself, not in a conceited way but a self-appreciative-approving way. I'm stopping the self-hate. It feels like I have taken a weight off of my shoulders that I have been burdening myself with carrying for too many years.
This is kind of a big deal for me and I wanted to shout it on the roof tops, or the internet world. The ring is just as loud and it feels really good.
