Does this make me a bad person?

This post doesn't make me look very good.

I'm revealing seriously deep and kind of dark parts about myself.

I'm judgemental.

I can be overly nice… but deep down I can also be mean.

There is no other way for me to say this,

other than to just say it.

So here it goes…

A few weeks ago I was set up on a date with a returned missionary

from the area my best friend is still serving in.

She thought we would be so cute together.

He is 6'5 and handsome.

The 6'5 part really made me excited.

So we went out!

We went country/swing dancing.

This is not my usual scene because I am not very coordinated when it comes to dancing.

However, he was very kind and taught me the basics and 

I twirled the night away.

It was fun.

But,

He never texted me back so I assumed he wasn't into me.

No big deal. 

I still had fun.

…

Now let me tell you about my childhood.

Growing up, I had a best friend.

Looking back our relationship wasn't healthy.

Everything was a competition.

I mean everything.

In fact our best friendship ended when she didn't come out on top in a sport when we were 15.

And I have some other choice things to say about her but I won't.

Well actually they may leak out.

Jump back to present…

Couple days ago, I am shocked to see that the guy I was set up with and my not so childhood best friend are happily dating.

It made me mad.

First my thoughts were right back to our childhood competitions,

wow he chose her over me.

I didn't understand how that was possible because her character is awful in my mind.

Because I can't see the good in her, it's hard for me to see how anyone else could.
 

(Right? I did ask if I was a bad person?)

Sadly, it gets worse.

Then I felt justified.

I have heard that 6'5 is actually a tool from my missionary friend.

I leaked my true feelings about that old friend of mine.

My thoughts are they deserve each other.

And she'll be divorced again by the age of 30.

Whoops, did I really just say that?

Yes, the mean me really did.

So I let it go, thinking all was right with the world.

But something about it kept creeping back in my thoughts.

Why did they bother me so much?

Like I don't give two cents about that old friend.

I honestly don't even care about Mr. 6'5 . 

What was really bothering me?

Maybe I was mad that they were happy.

And who even knows if they really are.

I just had an epiphany moment they triggered a sadness in me.

This situation shows how ironically small the Mormon world is.

Deep down, I'm sad that in all my life I have never felt wanted. 

I have never felt loved.

I've never had that healthy relationship.

Then I get mad that I feel that my happiness depends on someone having feelings for me.

Why is my happiness dependent on anyone other than me?

Why is so much of my self esteem reliant on what others think of me?

Why do I just feel like I'm coasting through life until I get married?

I don't know the answers to those questions.

Even after all the therapy I've gone through. 

I'm still obviously insecure.

But at least I'm able to verbalize and pin point the source of my anguish.

It wasn't the old friend and Mr. 6'5.

Even if I need to repent for the things I may have said about them. 

It's that I need more love in my life.

More self love and positive daily affirmations.

And reminders that happiness is a choice,

completely dependent on me.