It's no secret. I LVOE TAYLOR SWIFT

 

This is just one more reason that I love her...

 

Does this make me a bad person?

This post doesn't make me look very good.

I'm revealing seriously deep and kind of dark parts about myself.

I'm judgemental.

I can be overly nice… but deep down I can also be mean.

There is no other way for me to say this,

other than to just say it.

So here it goes…

A few weeks ago I was set up on a date with a returned missionary

from the area my best friend is still serving in.

She thought we would be so cute together.

He is 6'5 and handsome.

The 6'5 part really made me excited.

So we went out!

We went country/swing dancing.

This is not my usual scene because I am not very coordinated when it comes to dancing.

However, he was very kind and taught me the basics and 

I twirled the night away.

It was fun.

But,

He never texted me back so I assumed he wasn't into me.

No big deal. 

I still had fun.

…

Now let me tell you about my childhood.

Growing up, I had a best friend.

Looking back our relationship wasn't healthy.

Everything was a competition.

I mean everything.

In fact our best friendship ended when she didn't come out on top in a sport when we were 15.

And I have some other choice things to say about her but I won't.

Well actually they may leak out.

Jump back to present…

Couple days ago, I am shocked to see that the guy I was set up with and my not so childhood best friend are happily dating.

It made me mad.

First my thoughts were right back to our childhood competitions,

wow he chose her over me.

I didn't understand how that was possible because her character is awful in my mind.

Because I can't see the good in her, it's hard for me to see how anyone else could.
 

(Right? I did ask if I was a bad person?)

Sadly, it gets worse.

Then I felt justified.

I have heard that 6'5 is actually a tool from my missionary friend.

I leaked my true feelings about that old friend of mine.

My thoughts are they deserve each other.

And she'll be divorced again by the age of 30.

Whoops, did I really just say that?

Yes, the mean me really did.

So I let it go, thinking all was right with the world.

But something about it kept creeping back in my thoughts.

Why did they bother me so much?

Like I don't give two cents about that old friend.

I honestly don't even care about Mr. 6'5 . 

What was really bothering me?

Maybe I was mad that they were happy.

And who even knows if they really are.

I just had an epiphany moment they triggered a sadness in me.

This situation shows how ironically small the Mormon world is.

Deep down, I'm sad that in all my life I have never felt wanted. 

I have never felt loved.

I've never had that healthy relationship.

Then I get mad that I feel that my happiness depends on someone having feelings for me.

Why is my happiness dependent on anyone other than me?

Why is so much of my self esteem reliant on what others think of me?

Why do I just feel like I'm coasting through life until I get married?

I don't know the answers to those questions.

Even after all the therapy I've gone through. 

I'm still obviously insecure.

But at least I'm able to verbalize and pin point the source of my anguish.

It wasn't the old friend and Mr. 6'5.

Even if I need to repent for the things I may have said about them. 

It's that I need more love in my life.

More self love and positive daily affirmations.

And reminders that happiness is a choice,

completely dependent on me. 

 

Can't Blame a Girl for Trying.

This blog of mine has gotten away from me.

So many things have happened to me recently!

I'll tell ya about em' later.

For now, listen to this. It will make your heart happy. It makes mine.

xo-

Rach

Flat tires and pulled over

This weekend was eventful. It was filled with random activities that created pride or utter frustration.
Good things first, I changed my flat tire nearly completely by myself. I am not a damsel in distress. I had the car jacked up, and the nuts, blots, and rim off the car by the time my Dad came to help me. Needless to say, he was surprised I even knew where all the necessities where in the trunk. So basically, I'm pretty proud of ME-self.
Bad things second. After going to see Captain America and dropping my friend Amy off at home, I got a flashing of red and blue lights behind me.  It's understandable that I'm uneasy with cops, but this time I wasn't nervous. Mostly, because I honestly had no idea what I could have done wrong. The lady cop asked me if I knew why she pulled me over? She said I blew through the stop sign to get out of Amy's neighborhood.
Seriously?! I got pulled over for not stopping at a stop sign.
I was even more surprised when the lady give me a warning 1. Since when have cops ever been nice to me. 2. I'm so blessed. 3. I would have been very angry if I had gotten a ticket for rolling through a stop sign. 4. I always get pulled over for dumb things like "not stopping before the stop sign" or things like that.
In the end, I am very grateful this last weekend is over. It was sweet listening to #ldsconf and the prophet, but those other activities wore me out. Here is to pushing through the next month until I graduate. Then I will can be called Master Rachel :)

My Favorite Girls

Have I ever told you about my favorite girls? Well they are Hope, Mr. Meems, and BB of course.

Emily is the bravest little girl I know. She had her tonsils removed on Friday. She was just a champ about it. I couldn't be more proud of her.

While she was having surgery BB and I took Hope to school. On the way there, I was driving and there were these two birds flirting and farting around in the middle of the road… I was like umm… I think I'm gonna hit them if they don't move. Sure enough I HIT ONE! A stupid pigeon rolled up the hood and hit the windshield. Terrifying all of us. An excellent way to start the day.

The day got better though. When I picked Hope up I spoiled her with all sorts of oreoshakes and cookies. BB and I had a fun time torturing her the way her Dad, our Uncle Jason, used to torture us. With tickling and threatening to throw her into the lake. We had lots of smiles and laughter.

After we dropped Hope off, Emily was up and playing. She was feeling really well after her surgery.

Emily reminds me of myself in so many ways.  She plays the same role in her family as I do in mine. She is so sweet and just content. Anyways, my Mr. Meems has a special place in my heart.

Man I love my girls. I'm so glad that they moved back. They bring so much happiness to everyone around them.

P.S. I really enjoyed Divergent. It stayed true to the book and had fantastic music.

Just for kicks and giggles. Here is a video of Miles Teller dancing. Because BB came with me to fan girl over Miles Teller (who Plays Peter) and Jia Courtney (who plays Eric). Well I was really just fangirling over Miles. He's pretty.

Twenty Five

How did this happen? How am I possibly 25? I have no idea, time has gone by  way too fast. Mostly, I don't feel old. In fact when I am asked how old I am, I have to think about it.  I guess I just still feel like I'm only 18.
Besides my irrational or slightly rational fear of becoming completely grey, I am glad I'm no longer 18. I have grown more in the last few years in ways I never knew I could. I wouldn't recognize myself even a year ago.
Time has been good to me. I'm developing new talents and discovering a new Rachel. Did you know that I can act? I can and I'm not that bad. I'm still new, but I can cry on a dime and I pick up direction very quickly.  Marla says I'm a natural. I'm no where near as good as Beth Anne. But I'm not horrible and that's really cool. Who would have thought? Definitely not me and acting is more fun than I thought it would be. For the 2 or 3 hour class I don't have to be me. I'm somebody anybody else and that's a breath of fresh air.
Gradschool has taught me one thing above all else. Group work is hand-holding and babysitting.  I hate group work. I can love a person and when I have to work with them, my opinion completely changes and I can hate them. Work ethic is not equal and everyone is getting burnt out. Senioritious has hit and it's only 3rd quarter. That is not good because we still have 3 more months, 3 more terrible terrible months.
I'm pretty lucky, when it comes to winning tickets on the radio. Did you know that I won Katy Perry tickets? I was caller 14. Crazyyyyyy!!! I wish that luck could move to other parts of my life, but if it's just winning tickets I'm not complaining. Winning is a thrill, it's shocking. It definitely takes a couple minutes or days to really sink in. Pinch me, please? This can't be real life.
Side note, random jump over to the Gilbert Temple. My Dad got VIP passes and I got to tour it before the public and we got to see extra rooms. All I can say is,"WOW!" This temple is the most beautiful place I have ever seen! I have always been impartial to which temple I want to get married in. But now,  it HAS to be the Gilbert Temple. I got to see the bridal room. I can see myself there one day. The bridal room wasn't even the most beautiful room in the temple, but man oh man that room was perfect and I want to get ready for my wedding there one day. The Celestial room was breath taking, the chandelier had to be worth a trillion dollars. If I could, I would live in that room. The sparkles, seriously the sparkles, I can't even handle the sparkles. I could stare at them forever! Anyways, I'm in love. It's Heaven on Earth.
Mostly I just want to say that I am truly blessed. I can't imagine being 50, but I hope the next 25 years are better than my first.
XOXO

i've been blessed

I know that I've been blessed. These past few years have been extremely difficult, however I've been given tender mercies along the way. 
Side note: I realized something today, it's my new mantra, "If you don't do it, it's not getting done." Lets just say I've been motivated lately and that I've got some ideas. 
Happy New Year!
I'll make a post about my precious niece and Christmas.